雅思8分作文实例讲解

雅思8分作文实例讲解 知乎

写文章雅思8分作文实例讲解新知乎号CHEN Maggie国家公派，牛津大学历史系博士68 人赞同了该文章

注：以下内容为团队maggie（oxford history Dphil）和sophie oxford linguistics Dphil共同创作成果。 版权所有，违者必究！

maggie and sophie: 牛津文科对语言要求很高，总分7.5，小分四个7。正在准备烤鸭的你，也许和曾经的我们一样充满疑问：为什么语句流畅，用词高级，但达不到7？为什么学习了很多雅思参考书，认真研读了雅思官方范文，却一直在6徘徊？为什么感觉和官方范文写得差不多，分数还是一直很低？

已经批改过上百余篇雅思大小作文，帮助过不少学弟学妹达到理想的分数。先说结论：

千万不要信奉各类雅思参考书以及官方范文6分以下上6关键是语言6分以上提分关键是内容逻辑论证

这里就用我们修改的实例，给大家详细剖析一下如何练就一篇优秀的雅思大作文。

学弟A的5.5分雅思作文（已经本人同意）：

题目：Too much money is spent in maintaining and repairing old buildings, some people think that they should be knocked down and give way to the modem buildings. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

首段：

The government has allocated a big proportion of money on the repair of rickety constructions. Part of the public believe that these buildings should be destroyed in order to make room for those are steadier. Some thinks that the old buildings should be repaired and maintained and I would like to present my views in the following article.

点评：

1. 审题跑偏。习作缩小了问题范围——开头段忌讳之一

2. 第一段不开门见山亮出自己的观点——开头段忌讳之二

3. 故意用高深的词汇，比如rickety, 然则用词不当——雅思写作忌讳之一

主体段落（第二段）：

It is widely known that many old buildings are protected well today because they have great significance for human beings. These old buildings are the symbols of history and culture. It not only contributes to the researches of the history but also has an important function in educating the next generation. So it is meaningful old buildingsshould be allowed to protect well.

点评：

1. 全文次要内容放在前面——雅思写作忌讳之二。 习作的观点是政府不应该投资保护古老建筑，却将保护古老建筑的好处放在第二段。违背英文写作习惯。

2. 语言chinglish并有语法错误——雅思写作忌讳之三。

主体段落（第三段）：

To commence with, building refining is a money consuming work as well as constructing. It is widely known that unexpected issues would take place in old buildings even though they are repaired, so that the government needs to constantly pay to fix parts that out of work. However, the amount of money will be sufficient to put up a new building, which can be put into use for a considerable period of time. As a result, to erect a new construction is comparatively more economical for the long run. Furthermore, new type of architecture can refresh a city’s atmosphere while the old ones are mostly out of the date.

点评：

1. 再次出现语法错误，用词不当。

2. 整段论证缺乏逻辑性，想当然。——雅思写作忌讳之四。如何证明新修的大楼确实比返修旧楼更省钱？

3. 段落内出现不相干内容——雅思写作忌讳之五。论证段落论点是什么，整个段落都要围绕论点来写，不要写任何无关论点的内容。

主题段落（第四段）：

On the other hand, the old buildings would jeopardize the life of people who work or live there. A serious drawback of long used constructions are the safety issue. Many undetected safety hazards would lead to horrible disasters, for instance, fire incident, elevator shut down and electricity leakage. Also, old building in some earthquake prone areas has higher risk of falling down compared with those newly built. Making spaces for new architectures can decline this kind of issue in a promising scale.

点评：

1. 出现复数，三单这样的小语法错误。用词不当。

2. 段落论证没有条理和层次，颠来倒去说的都是同一个意思——雅思写作忌讳之六

3. 段落论证缺乏具体详细的实例来佐证——雅思写作忌讳之七

总结段落（第五段）：

In conclusion, old buildings need to be repaired in regard of safety problem. However, they should deduct the investment and build up other constructions to save money, which can also make the city appears more modern and our life more convenient.

点评：

1. 语法错误，人称代词指代不清。

2. 结尾段落没有简单明了地总结自己的观点。——结尾写作忌讳之一。

3. 结尾段落不但没有总结自己的论点，反而增添了新的论点——结尾写作忌讳之二。

经过我批改后的作文：

首段：

Recent years have witnessed a hot debate about whether large amount of government budgets should be spent on maintaining old buildings. Some hold that old architectures, as heritages of cities, should be preserved and repaired. However, from my perspective, outdated buildings should be demolished, which could be money saving and provide a safer environment for their dwellers.

点评：

1. 开头段落开门见山，思路清晰——首段必备要素之一。

2. 开头段总结出全文两个论点——首段必备要素之二。

3. 语言清晰流畅，没有语法错误，用词准确。

主体段落（第三段）：

Firstly, repairing and maintaining old constructions is money consuming. Generally speaking, various aging components of outdated buildings necessitate frequent renovations and repairments, which indicates that the maintaining work is a long term investment. Moreover, repairing one component, sometimes, may entail an overall renovation. For instance, to stop water leakage of one place may require an overall construction of the pipes. By contrast, demolishing the old one and building a new one, which is economic, would make a smarter choice for the government. A research conducted by the Chinese Economic Society in 2016 can be the best illustration. Over 30% of budgets, according to the research, could be saved whe a new building with the same size and height is established, compared with that spent on repairing and maintaining the old counterpart. Plus, according to the survey, new architectures would always bring about such economic benefits for the government as boosting the housing market. Therefore, maintaining old buildings, which is money wasting, should not be a preferred choice for the government.

点评：

1. 段落逻辑论证清晰，有条理——雅思写作必备要素之一

2. 有详细的实例支撑相关的论点，提高文章的说服力——雅思写作必备要素之二

3. 全文topic sentence, 和结尾总结句，遥相呼应，段整体很coherent.

4. 语句通顺流畅，句式多变。

主体段落（第三段）：

Secondly, maintaining and repairing old buildings fails to erase their latent safety hazards. Simply maintaining and renovations would not accommodate various updated equipment that old buildings demand. Besides, their outdated structures disable the new equipment installation, which, as a result, render the old buildings a piece of fertile soil for accidents and crimes. For instance, due to the lack of updatedfirefighting equipment and excellent ventilating facilities, which can barely be solved through mere renovation, old constructions are likely to cause fire accidents, and lead to severe consequences. The statistics from an online survey shows that about 70% of the fire accidents in the past decade in China took place in outdated buildings, 90% of which can be rated as major accidents, causing great loss, injuries and deaths. Moreover, lack of advanced CCTV systems would make these old buildings ideal for committing such crimes as theft and robbery. Thus, renovating and repairing old buildings fails in eliminating possible safety risks for their residents, making their maintaining meaningless.

点评：

1. 具体详实的例子作证，有说服力

2. 整个段落论证由大及小，由面及点，条理层次清晰。

3. 全文收尾呼应，段落完整统一

4. 论证观点，符合常理，没有想当然。

总结段落（第四段）

In conclusion, government, in my view, should demolish old buildings and building modern ones, in that it would be cost effective and provide a safer dwelling environment for its citizens.

点评：

1. 结尾段落点明要点：观点+论点，清晰明了——结尾段必备要素

2. 语言流畅，没有语法错误，词汇，句式多变。

END

对比之前的写作范例，大家可以发现修改后的文章内容论证条理清晰，有理有据，有说服力，也可以自圆其说。思维层次清楚，语言流畅，句型多变。要写成一篇优秀的雅思作文，光是积累句型，词汇是不够的。更需要建立起清晰的逻辑论证思维。如果说想从5.5 分突破到6分，重点在语言上；那么6分以上的同学，分数有所突破必须在逻辑论证上下功夫。而逻辑论证的缺陷往往是最不容易自知的。因此，在我看来，雅思作文练习的过程中很有必要有一个批改——反馈——体悟的过程。这样才能真正发现自己的问题所在，并不断改进。闭门造车练习写作往往适得其反。

编辑于 2018 03 26??

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